We are full speed ahead in this toddler life and watching my daughter transform more and more into herself has been such a joy to see, as well as a struggle in some areas. If you’ve ever been around a toddler for at least 10 minutes, you definitely have heard a “no” or 20. While Marlee has been saying no long before turning 2 in August, her “no” actually means no at this point. Before when she would say no, there was a big chance that she was just saying it but possibly meant yes. But there’s no mistaking the intention behind her no’s now. When Marlee says no, she means it.

There are aspects of this that I want to cultivate which makes it hard to navigate at times how to handle her innocent defiance (because after all, she’s still a toddler). It’s the natural progression of a toddler to start using the word no. They don’t call it the terrible two’s for nothing. So I don’t see her saying no as a sign of bad behavior, because it’s absolutely normal.

Obviously there are times when she tells me no to requests that aren’t optional. Like when it’s time to go or finish her food or time to take a nap. And then there are times when requests are optional, like going to give someone she’s not so familiar with a hug, or making decisions. What I’ve noticed right from the beginning of navigating this world of toddler parenting is while I don’t need her saying no to everything, I do not want to stop her from saying no when it’s really how she feels.

I know this is probably a new age perspective in parenting, but the first thing that I thought about when I initially started trying to correct her no’s was that she say’s no without hesitation or fear of what happens next. Marlee says no without even a second thought, meanwhile, as an adult, I honestly struggle with not always being able to say no as easy. And then I realized that we spend a lot of our lives being taught to say yes, but then end up having to figure out later in life how to reestablish boundaries and say no without fear of rejection or other repercussions.

Because I am mindful on how not being able to say no at times has played out in my life, I feel drawn to allowing Marlee to express herself fully, and that includes her saying no. Now there are times when it’s necessary for me to redirect those no’s. I do so by doing my best to explain to her why I am saying no, which can be difficult because again, she’s 2. But you’d be surprised how much logic a 2 year old can understand. A lot of times if I’m calm when I’m explaining to her why I’m saying no, she’ll engage with me. There are times when the explanation doesn’t work, so I’ll try to give her a “if we do this, then we can do this,” and sometimes this does work depending on her temperament. And then there are times when that doesn’t work at all, and she just has to be mad and cry it out.

I try not to make many reactions when she yells no because escalating the situation never helps, not even with a 2 year old. And when I’m able to honor her no’s I do, which is very often. For instance, if we’re with family and friends and they ask her for a hug, and she doesn’t go right away, I try not to push her to do so. I let her warm up to them and make that decision for herself. When I let her make these decisions for herself, she’s developing trust in herself to make decisions. She’s also learning that her feelings matter and she doesn’t have to force herself to feel comfortable if she is not. At least this is what I hope it’s teaching her.

Honoring my daughter’s no’s does not mean that I spoil her and she’s able to do anything she wants. She learns boundaries and she definitely has learned the differences in the tones of no, and NO.

It can honestly be difficult to be mindful in this way, especially if you were raised in stricter homes. Even the fact that I’m giving the disclaimer that she can’t do whatever she wants to do is me leaning into the traditions of parenthood. And I also think it’s fine to do so. There are plenty of absolutes in how I was raised that will be carried on in how I raise my children. But it’s also ok to remix some of these traditions in hopes in raising people who grow up feeling secure, protected, and heard.

I’m interested in new perspectives in parenting and would love to hear your thoughts on how you’re navigating parenting your toddlers and small children. How are you handling the no’s? Share your techniques below!

Thanks for reading !