This year a lot of us have experienced loss in someway, many of us a loss of a loved one. My grandmother transitioned on March 1st of this year (non-covid related) and I have spent this entire year doing my best to handle what my new normal is.

My grandmother raised me after my mother passed away at the age of 6, so in many ways this feels more like losing two mothers in one lifetime.

Now that the holiday season is here, I’m making sure that I’m doing the work necessary to help me through this first holiday without my grandmother. Being away from family because of covid makes things even more difficult, but I decided to share how I maintained during thanksgiving just recently.

I decided pretty early that I would cook at home for the first time. I wanted to use this as the beginning of setting some new traditions in our immediate family to help with the adjustment. I cooked some of my favorite dishes that we all love and even used some of my grandmother’s recipes and seasonings.

My grandmother was the holiday. She always cooked all of the meal except for a few items (my Aunt Lisa’s mac and cheese is unmatched). She would start on her meal at least 4 or 5 days before the holiday. I’ve never helped her in the kitchen to see her make every dish, but a few years ago I did get the opportunity to help make a few dishes with her, like her famous lemon cake. I hold those memories very close to my heart. In making my own meal this year, I tried my best to summons her spirit to help guide me through cooking.

I did my best to shop early for what I needed, but I don’t think that it was early enough as all of my nearest grocery stores were sold out of smoked turkey. Luckily I had some in the freezer and was also able to borrow some from my god-mother.

My full menu included:

• A whole roasted chicken ( in place of a turkey)
• Beef ribs
• Mac + cheese
• Yams
• Collard greens
• String beans
• Stuffing
• Potato salad
• Rolls
• Lemon cake
• Apple cheesecake bars
• Sweet potato pie

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I’ve never cooked this much food at one time so the task was sort of daunting at first and there were many times when I wished that I could just call my granny to ask her how to do something, but I relied on my resources ( the internet + some family).

I saw this experience as a way to connect to my grandmother. Because she loved cooking so much, I can’t cook and not feel a connection to her of some sort. She would cook so much that week of the holiday that when it was finally time for us to eat, all she wanted to do was sit and watch us enjoy the food. I’ll never forget the sight of her sitting in her chair smiling at everyone while they demolished their plates.

Overall, my food came out great! I don’t have many pictures because I was really trying my best to be in the moment. Cooking this meal was somewhat therapeutic for me. I imagined my grandmother being by my side while I cooked each dish, imagining what she would say to me. I felt comforted in a way being in the kitchen cooking this meal for my family. My grandmother cooked everything “with a spoonful of sugar and lots of love.” It was my mission this holiday to prepare my meal with that same intent. I’m sure she would’ve been proud of me.

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The first anything is always hard when losing a loved one. Because she passed so early in the year, I’ve already experienced some firsts without her (my birthday, Mother’s Day, her birthday) but I knew that the holidays would hit different. Creating new traditions with my family and maintaining some kind of busyness helped me through thanksgiving this year, so I think this is something that I will keep up. However, I know how deeply important it is to not bypass these feelings so that’s not my intent with the busyness. Finding the balance between feeling the feelings and living life through them is the goal for me.

Sometimes when you go through grief, especially when it’s someone so close, you feel obligated to show a certain amount of sadness. You can start to feel guilty when you catch yourself in the moment having fun and think about that loved one not being physically with you. I’m teaching myself over this holiday season and all of the seasons and milestones that follow that my heart is big enough to hold the deep longing to be with my grandmother again while simultaneously living and thriving in life. It’s ok if I’m sad thinking about her and it’s also ok for me to be happy about starting my own traditions. One feeling does not cancel out the other. If I can pass along anything to someone who may be also experiencing their first holiday without their loved one, it would be that you’re allowed to still live your life and be happy while also missing someone. There’s no rush on grief and honestly you may find yourself revisiting the feeling of grief from time to time. What I try to remember in the difficult moments during this holiday season is that my grandmother would only want me to be happy. And so much more than the feeling of guilt, I carry the spirit of gratitude to have been blessed to have grandmother like her and even more gratitude to share who she was to me through the way I continue to live my life. I pray peace finds us all through this holiday.

Thanks for reading!!!