Have you ever just listened to your thoughts? I mean have you ever really sat and listened to how you talk to yourself in your own head? The other day I stopped and listened to the stories that were repeating. I also concentrated on my breathing, noticing that my heart was beating a little faster every time I would think about a certain thing. This was probably my first time being able to identify that I was feeling anxiety actively as it was happening. As I became more aware of what was happening physically with my breathing, I realized that the way I was talking to myself was doing more harm than good.

We hear often about negative self talk and how it can negatively impact our conception of self. But there are times when the self talk isn’t intended to be negative and could be intended to be motivating, but just as harmful as negative self talk. What I observed from my own thoughts was something like this:

“Dennii, you have to make time to write today.”

“You didn’t write yesterday either, what’s going on with you?”

“Gotta get up, gotta get moving.”

“Times a waisting!”

” You know so and so would’ve wrote a whole book by now!”

” Get up! I shouldn’t have to keep saying this!”

The intention behind the thoughts were to get me in forward motion to write. But in the process, I compared myself to someone else’s productivity as well as questioned and nagged myself. I’ve never been someone who likes to be nagged about anything, so every time I start to talk to myself in this way internally, no action follows because all I did was paralyze myself more with my comparative and nagging thoughts.

This voice we hear in our head is a combination of all of the people that ever had dominion over our choices, all wrapped up into one, narrated by ourselves. This voice comes whenever it wants, just barging into our space, not exclusively but especially when we need to take action or when we experience conviction of some sort. The voice combines and highlights only the negative parts of these authoritative figures, in turn making us feel small and low vibrational at times. It’s hard to get over this voice- to move past this voice, and to let the voice go. 

When we are mindful of how we treat ourselves (in how we think and talk to ourselves as well as actions), we are able to intentionally cultivate our reality. Self reflection is necessary. When we take inventory of the stories we’ve been told or have told ourselves through observing and reflecting on our thoughts, we are able to assess which thoughts should stay and which thoughts no longer serve us. The key however is to reflect without judgment. Listen to your thoughts as just the thoughts, not attached to any truth you hold about yourself. Does this thought align with what you’d like to cultivate in your life? Does it match the tone of what makes you eager to move or respond? Or does it match the tone that makes you feel fear or uncertainty or doubt about yourself?

Listen to your thoughts as just the thoughts, detached from you… does the thought align with the life you’d like to cultivate?

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Perhaps you may have been told by your mom your whole life that you are messy. And now every time your home gets messy, you hear her voice telling you to clean up. Now think to yourself, did you feel good or motivated about her telling you to clean up this way? What version of her requesting you to do something would you prefer?

How many times have you ever really been happy and productive when someone has demanded something from you aggressively? Most of us don’t usually like to be ordered around to do anything, but if we’ve been exposed to this type of authority before and often enough, this could be a part of the voices that we carry in our heads. Being rough on yourself is not the only way to achieve your goals or to make yourself disciplined. Showing gentleness can go a long way, especially if that’s something that you’ve needed and never received from a parent or mentor. 

These days I have been leaning into joyful discipline. I set the intention on what it is that I’m trying to achieve and honor any and all steps that lead me there. I’m consistently tweaking my idea of the success to match with my values of joy, truth, and love. I’m paying attention to when I feel like I’m about to burn out and taking rest when needed. I’m am being joyful in the discipline that’s needed for me to reach my goals. The biggest difference between the self talk that gives me anxiety and the self talk that doesn’t is that I move with more ease, without creating unnecessary pressure on myself. And, it’s ultimately increased my accountability with myself. Before I transitioned to joyful discipline, my to-do list would rollover for days, weeks even. And now, the majority of the list is finished before the day ends, and if it’s not, it gets done the next day.

Obviously, everyone’s most helpful self talk is not the same. Self talk is an individual thing, not one size fits all. Some may find themselves needing more gentleness than others and even that may differ depending on situations. The good news is that whichever voice we want to come up for us is readily available whenever we need it to. We don’t have to be limited to the stories we’ve heard or experienced.

There’s a saying that goes, “you attract more bees with honey than with vinegar.” Showing gentleness instead of tough love can make a difference in how you respond to new challenges and new levels in your life. Of course this takes practice and does not happen overnight. But the practice of noticing that voice and intentionally deciding to replace it can result in the gentleness becoming the default behavior. 

Be nice to yourself. 

“You will be more productive when coaxed than when bullied”

Julia Cameron, The Artist Way